4 more days left before I left this island to Australia. It’s not the first time, but this time it’s more meaningful than ever, with few hidden agendas and personal infliction on my best hopes to make everything better by then. I’m hopeless in dealing with emotion, thus I played my best on any other thing that are not emotionally involved. Perhaps we should stop here. Im sorry if I unintentionally dragged you to try to imagine what has happened?
My recent trip to Sandakan made me think more of my life, for neglecting my responsibilities towards the peoples around me that I have, and of course to my very own self. I tried to search for what is the best answer to describe what I’m feeling then, and now, and it’s all just plain white but slowly smudging. Like I know I have to stop this, but I know nothing how to stop it. Im hopeless and pathetic; credits to me for admitting that. Thanks to you, I shaved off my egoism and start to think like a real human (the least). I’ve been thinking how long I have neglecting my families and friends? And nice and good people around me? Lord, forgive me for being ignorance when you’ve given me the abilities to think and to compare what’s good and what’s bad. Now I know I need to do massive changes in my life – for I’ve recognised I am a jerk, dickhead, asshole and whatever that could question my credibilities. It’s too bad I am now 24, when I should think and know about it 6 years ago when I leaped from a minor status; or perhaps the last 4 years… 😦
My grievance and sadness couldn’t compared to the victory and happiness I’ve achieved for the last couple of years. It’s really heart breaking for realising I’ve not achieved what I wanted…. emotionally. I’ve been tearing up my heart, and mentally raped for letting myself in the cage, for letting myself stick to one direction when there’s always another options. Don’t blame the girl, she’s too innocence to realize that (or perhaps too moron to realise that). I’m the one who should be blamed,
first, for I’m a jerk,
second, for I am ignorance bastard
Next Tuesday, I’ll kiss goodbye to my memories in Labuan. I think an 8 hours flight should be enough for me to plan my life ahead, but then, plan is just a plan… Whether I carve it on my mind, or write it on a paper, it will stay remain there for long time till I move myself to execute it.. one by one. This 3 months trip (actually It’ll be more – which I assume I can get a PR status there) will be fully utilized, and I’ll be back with something useful, and maybe as someone new.
Someone that wont break someone heart…
Someone that wont breach the trust….
Someone that can be someone for everyone….
Someone that will never put his hands in other people’s relationship….
Someone that will learn I’m no one to everyone….
I’m sorry for being literate, since I’m sucks at writing. But words are my major honest expression for now, I can’t talk honestly, for I still keeping the sadness and fear inside. Petrified for what I’ve done, I decided to keep it there, deep inside for I’m afraid I’ll break more people’s emotion. I heart her, more than myself, but I know I wont get a chance, for I am no one to anyone.
I don’t know when I’ll update my blog next, but I promise It will be better than this. I just need some reminder in my blog, so I can read it next time, or people can remind me of that everytime. I met all the nice peoples from this blog, and I’ll never attempt to delete this blog (when I’m repeatedly provoked for its content doesn’t suit HER rules – It’s my blog anyway, so step off, bitch). Oh, I’m sorry, did I say that?
Well, the pen will stop dancing, the mind will stop working. I’ll pen off for now, but I’ll be back. To all my readers, please take care ya! I wish you all have a good day ahead and more prosperous in many days/months/years to come. It wont come by itself unless you work for it. Be positive to everyone and to your very self, for I don’t want people to follow my trail.
A heart failure can be cured by smiling and being positive. So, smile to all the peoples you know, for you might make their day better. I know, because I’ve been trying to do that.
Good bye and take care, for now.